Monday, August 24, 2009

Motives & Thoughts

Alright ... here it is. My first kinda personal post thing on here. Click through if you dare, but be warned that there will be no music attachments ahead. Crazy, right?

Today is my second day back on campus. And even though nothing for real has happened yet, I'm nearly as happy as I've ever been. Now while nothing can prolly ever top my 2006 Cincinnati World Changers experience, life on UK's campus usually comes very close. As soon as I hit this majestic city of Wilcat pride, I'm different. I smile easier. I stress less. I forget the things that shouldn't matter in my life. And that's all I really need, for real.

I saw my dude brandUn DeShay comment me back on something I wrote on his blog about a post he just made. It was about how he just recently realized how his blog that he's been running for a while now slowly turned from kinda diary-based entries to straight business observations. And that struck a chord in me because that's exactly what happened with me as I transitioned from my MySpace blog to this BlogSpot that I run. Everything used to be deeply emotional and questioning of all things existential. It was heavy and it's somewhat painful for me to go back through some of them. Some crap went on the verge of emo-lite. I hate that it was like that, but that's exactly how it was. I couldn't deal with stuff very well and one of my only vents was to drop a load of prose and poetry on the social network of choice back then. But eventually, those entries went from being an every-other-day type thing to a ... once-a-month type thing. And it was far less effective. While I used to seemingly cope with stuff and evolve over the course of multiple posts in a single week, I couldn't match the emotive importance when they became less frequent.

What brandUn mentioned was that maybe we just realized that we didn't matter as much as we thought we did. And I think that hits it on the head. Once it crossed the point where I didn't know if the blogging personally helped me accomplish anything, I let go of it. A lot of the stuff I wrote was downright depressing, and I straight didn't want anyone to read and assume it was a "woe is me" pity party type thing. So I let go. And I let my opinions on music and sports take it's place. Lessumat was conceived. Lauryn Hill had a poem she performed on one of the seasons of Def Poetry that was called "Motives and Thoughts". And her line of closing was simply, "check your motives and thoughts". Well I checked mine. And I decided that my personal motives and thoughts shouldn't be completely released anymore. They should only be slightly ... less suppressed. Just a lil' bit. And that's my life motto now. Nobody's really heavy in my business anymore, I'm much more selective about any emotions that I choose to bare, and I'm kinda to the point of being numb to a bunch of stuff. Not all of that means positive life results, but I'll just say that I'm in a slightly better spot mentally. Everything will take care of itself and I just gotta make myself selectively available to go along for the ride. All of that flooded me today when I woke up at school and had the sounds and sights and smells of the city that I love invading my senses. It only made it even more real (or possibly surreal) when I played ping pong in the Wildcat Lodge and DeMarcus Cousins was screaming and cursing a little ways away over some FPS video game. And Eric Bledsoe was there laughing his butt off every time, so I can only assume he was the one who kept killing him. That's the kinda stuff that brightens my psyche. There's no other situation in eternity where I could be around some of my idles and hear them be so rawly ... normal. I love it. Man. I don't know how I made it the whole summer away from here.

You can't recreate this feeling. It's impossible. So I gotta soak it up while I'm here. And I will.

... but do take my word for it.

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so what did ya think about whatever the heck i wrote?